


Master Plan

by ClarissaNotFound



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Body Worship, Depression, Lingerie, M/M, Mental Health Issues, NSFW, Old Men In Love, eruri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-01-23 04:57:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12499248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClarissaNotFound/pseuds/ClarissaNotFound
Summary: Erwin thinks he has the perfect way to propose to Levi - and he has a plan to make it work. If you like seeing them being all loving and domestic then this is for you. Light smut, modern au with discussions about Erwin's mental health in chapter 2 and 3.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first work here. All critique welcomed.
> 
> The teas mentioned are thanks to Zedsdead from whom I purchased these exact blends.

Levi was a light sleeper and an early riser. Even if he wanted to spend some of the morning cuddling up to Erwin he was still awake before 7am, jabbing him with his hands and feet, getting him to shift into a position that was good for curling up to.

  
Erwin didn’t mind. If Levi wanted to get up first it meant there was always a cup of tea about ready when he finally came downstairs himself. He enjoyed watching Levi select a box, fill the infuser with the tea leaves and brew it up with a gentle, nearly loving kind of touch. It was a peaceful moment, one that Erwin saw in his mind whenever he thought about Levi. Just standing, still and quiet in the light of the morning sun that streamed through the kitchen window, making a pot of tea for them both to share.

  
That was where he'd hit upon the idea of how he would propose to him.

  
Levi's sleeping schedule, though. That was the problem. Still, Erwin was a man of absolute determination and once he had come up with this perfect idea he also worked on the perfect plan to make it happen.

  
So he waited patiently for just the right morning; the right set of circumstances. He knew what it had to be. A lazy weekend, with no work or commitments for either of them, and just a little colder than Levi preferred so that he would be more easily persuaded to stay in bed.

  
It was a late October weekend, just after his own birthday, when Erwin chose the ring and it was a few weeks later, when they had just passed into November, that he woke up one Saturday to Levi winding his arms and legs around him and his head thumping against his chest.

  
“Good morning gorgeous,” Erwin yawned, voice cracked and groggy with sleep.

  
“Hey handsome,” Levi chimed in on cue. Of course his voice sounded smooth as ever, as always.

  
These morning greetings had become a habit over time. A cheesy habit, Levi declared once, but he still went along with it. It was always followed by a second little habit which was Erwin pressing a kiss to Levi’s forehead and Levi replying with a kiss on his chin since it was right in his face at the time. Then Levi would usually either get up and go start breakfast or slump back against Erwin for some further cuddling.

  
This morning, Erwin gave him the usual kiss on the forehead and then promptly moved in to smother his mouth as well, barely leaving any time before he made to deepen it. Usually he preferred to take things a little more slowly at first, enjoy a steady, almost teasing build up but he knew if he did that there was a higher risk that Levi would simply push him off. He really wanted Levi to give in to him this morning. So he quickly wrapped one arm around his body and hooked the other behind his knee, rolling him over onto his back, half pinning him to the bed. Levi made a muffled noise of surprise.

  
“What’s the hell’s gotten into you Erwin?” he huffed as Erwin freed his mouth, but his hands found their way into his hair, tousling the blonde locks, which Erwin took to be a good sign.

  
“You have,” he replied in a low murmur directly in his ear. He felt Levi shudder.

  
“You bastard,” Levi huffed again, but Erwin just kissed eagerly down Levi’s neck, pressing his mouth against the parts of him that he knew would get him aroused the fastest and suckling the skin there until it bruised.

  
“Ugh,” sighed Levi as he arched into the touches. “You realise I’ll have to have a shower before breakfast now. I hope you’re happy.”

  
“I can start breakfast,” Erwin replied as he slid the hand that was resting on Levi’s knee upwards and gave his ass a firm squeeze.

  
“Fine,” Levi agreed. He nosed the top of Erwin’s head and gave it encouraging little kisses in between his own throaty murmurs.

  
Erwin grinned to himself against Levi’s skin, feeling triumphant. He tugged at Levi’s pants, pulling them down just far enough to expose his erection, which he promptly wrapped his hand around and listened to Levi moan as he stroked him up and down. He synced the movement with an ongoing flurry on his upper body, latching his mouth any place he knew would drive Levi closer to the brink of his pleasure, putting all his knowledge of his lover’s body to good use; and Erwin had plenty of knowledge about it.

  
He decided that even if he hadn’t had an ulterior motive for this, it would still have been a great idea, for it was a nice boost to his confidence to know just how easily he could get Levi to melt under him if he really focused all his efforts on the task.

  
“Oh shit,” Levi began to groan after a time, his hips bucking into Erwin’s hand, fingers clutching at his shoulders. “Shit, Erwin...fuck, I...”

  
There was no need for Levi to explain. Erwin knew him well enough to know he got only this vocal when he was close to the edge. His hand worked harder and he gave a long, sensual lick around the shell of his ear.

  
“I want you to come for me,” Erwin commanded in a breathy whisper. “I love you, you’re so beautiful right now. Come for me, Levi, I-“

  
“Erwin! Ahh..,”Levi moaned, his back stretching taut and his hips arching as he arrived at the peak of his pleasure. Erwin smiled, happy for more than just the obvious reason, and subtly ensured that almost all of Levi’s come hit his chest rather than the bedsheets. The last thing he needed was to have the plan ruined by Levi demanding that they be immediately stripped from the bed and washed.

  
“I hate you,” Levi said on the end of groan, now flat and relaxed against the bed as he recovered. He pulled Erwin in for a kiss that was full of gratitude.

  
“I love you too,” Erwin laughed against his lips and then reached for a towel that they kept by the bed, so Levi could wipe himself off.

  
“So, what about you?” asked Levi in a seductively low voice, eyes dropping heavy and mouth curled wickedly at the corners. Erwin swallowed, knowing Levi would probably do anything he asked for in this state, but there was something bigger at stake than his need to get off so he ignored the throbbing ache of his cock and just smiled softly, giving Levi a quick, gentle kiss.

  
“Your satisfaction is enough for me right now,” he said.

  
“Tch,” Levi replied, but his eyes flickered over Erwin’s face and his voice was softer when he asked; “Are you sure?” His fingertips brushed along the length of Erwin’s jaw like he was concerned about something unsaid.

  
“Yeah,” Erwin nodded. “I just really wanted to do that to you...”

  
“Fine. Then get off me, I need to go get clean, I’m disgusting.” Levi shoved Erwin in the chest and rolled out of bed.

  
“You don’t look disgusting though,” Erwin smiled as he hugged his pillow and watched Levi shed his few remaining clothes into the laundry basket before he padded towards the ensuite. It was taking  Erwin a lot of willpower to not go after him but he stayed firm, waiting to hear the clatter and swear that indicated Levi had knocked over some of Erwin's bathroom products like he somehow managed to do every time he went in there.

  
“Do you really need all this shit?” he yelled through to the bedroom and Erwin just laughed, shuffling out of bed to pull on his sweater and slippers. Old man slippers, Levi called them, but he wasn’t about to let himself suffer cold toes just to be fashionable. Not in the comfort of his own home anyway.

  
Once the sound of running water hit his ears, Erwin shot off downstairs and fished a cream and lace bag from where he had carefully hidden it in the locked compartment of his bureau, a place he knew Levi would never go. He tugged the drawstring and tipped the ring box onto his hand before moving to the kitchen.

  
As if to cover himself, even though he knew Levi wouldn’t be down for a while yet, he turned on the kettle and took out the teapot and cups from the cupboard, placing them down on the marble surface of their island counter. Then, not bothering to hide his wide grin since there was no one here to see it, he took from Levi’s sacred glass-fronted cabinet a box of the loose-leaf breakfast tea that they drank almost every morning. It was a favourite blend of Levi's; ceylon with lemon peel and blue mellow blossoms, dotted beautifully with corn flowers to give it an attractive colouring.

  
Erwin plucked the engagement ring from the small box in his hand and looked at it for a few moments, feeling his heart thudding hard in his chest as he contemplated the reality of what he was doing. He was going to ask Levi to marry him. Levi. The most special person in his life, his steady rock, always there for him and taking care of him when he needed his help. Life could feel hard sometimes for Erwin, always overthinking and falling into the dark holes of those thoughts, but no matter how deep he went Levi was always the pinprick of light shining through, guiding him back again.

  
He pressed a kiss to the ring as if for luck. Black titanium between two thin straps of gold. Plain but elegant. It would look so good on Levi’s hand.

  
The background noise of running water through pipes abruptly stopped, letting Erwin knew that he was nearly out of time, so he finally buried the ring in amongst the flakes of tea, as far down as he could, before replacing the lid and turning to start the egg and toast he was going to make them both for breakfast.

  
He realised he’d rather enjoyed his slightly elaborate plan. It had been thrilling, the little bit of danger of being caught, and of course it was all completely necessary. Levi was astute when it came to his tea cupboard. It wasn’t that he minded Erwin going in there it was simply that Erwin knew Levi would know he had and didn't want to risk having to explain himself. So he'd just been helpful, is all, getting it ready for when Levi came down from his shower. Completely reasonable. And this, this was the perfect way to propose, he just knew it. Grand romantic gestures were not to Levi’s taste. He liked the quiet, the simple, the understated. Hiding the ring in his tea, ready for him to find, weaved it naturally into his daily routine.  

  
Once Levi arrived, damp hair pushed out of his face, they ate breakfast together in peaceful and happy quiet, their feet just touching lightly under the table. Of course the ring was not discovered that day since Erwin had nestled it so deep into the box. Neither did he expect it to be found the day after either.

  
By Monday, though, he was starting to feel the anticipation. He tried to keep his watch subtle as Levi scooped tea into his infuser but sadly, that day, it was just tea. He continued to keep his eye on the moment for the next three days, but by Friday he could see Levi was beginning to notice it so on Saturday he regretfully stopped looking, even though he felt the keen urge to capture the moment of discovery.

  
On Sunday, to his alarm, Levi selected a different box of tea.

  
“Wait!” Erwin said with what he knew was a suspicious amount of urgency, and he immediately tried to scale it back. “Aren’t we having the breakfast tea?”

  
“I wanted to try this one today,” Levi shrugged. “Ceylon, mango and sunflower blossoms. It sounds good.”

  
“I’d really like the breakfast one,” Erwin insisted as casually as possible. “Can’t we try that one later, maybe this afternoon?”

  
Levi hesitated, weighing his desire to try the unopened mango tea against his desire to please Erwin. He sighed heavily.

  
“Alright then,” he agreed and switched boxes. “I don’t know why you’re so bothered though, I didn’t think you even noticed what shit you’re throwing down your neck. I’ve seen some of the things you eat.”

  
“You complaining about my Pizza Fridays again Levi?” Erwin asked with a small smile.

  
“Yes,” Levi scowled as he brought the tea into the kitchen and fussed around for the teapot and infuser. “I wouldn’t mind if you at least got a decent one that wasn’t swimming in shitty grease.”

  
“The grease is the best bit,” Erwin insisted, shoving slices of bread into the toaster.

  
“Then why don’t you just buy a bottle of grease and save us the money?” Levi mithered, but Erwin just continued smiling and offered no reply.

  
By the time the kettle had boiled Erwin had the toast ready and was sat with his tablet in his hand, reading a chapter of the new book he’d downloaded last night. Levi glanced up at him with a fond expression that he saved only for when his partner wasn’t taking any notice of him, and shoved the strainer into the box of tea.

  
_Clink_.

  
Erwin looked up. Levi was looking down. He fished his hand inside with a rustle of plastic and dried tea and pulled out the black and gold ring.

  
Erwin placed down his tablet and rested his elbows on the counter, chin on top of his laced hands, just watching and waiting. Anxiety flooded his stomach.

  
“Well?” Levi said after what felt like an age, holding up the ring and looking at Erwin with an almost accusatory expression.

  
“Shouldn’t I be saying that to you? Well..?”

  
“Well. I expect to be asked properly if you want to know my answer Erwin.”

  
Erwin nodded and pushed back his chair with a scrape. He walked round the counter until he stood directly in front of Levi, who turned to face him, still holding up the ring like he couldn’t believe it was real. He took it from him in one hand and held Levi’s in the other.

  
“Well,” Erwin said. “Will you marry me Levi?”

  
“Fuck off,” Levi replied and grabbed hold of his collar to pull him down for a long kiss. Erwin tried to laugh, the sound muffled.

  
“That’s a yes right? Please say its a yes...”  

  
“Of course its a yes, you idiot.”

  
Erwin beamed down at him, unable to help himself, and slid the ring onto Levi’s finger. He was relieved to find it was a close enough fit that he would be able to wear it right away. He admired it for a moment, stroking his finger across it and circling the skin that surrounded it. When he looked up again he could see tears threatening to spill out of Levi’s eyes, though he was holding them back very well.

  
“I can’t believe you hid it in my tea,” Levi complained as he suddenly wrapped his arms around Erwin’s chest.

  
“Haha,” Erwin chuckled. “I wanted to make sure that you think about me whenever you drink tea. That way you’ll never be able to divorce me.”

  
“You’re not funny Erwin,” Levi scowled. “I can still change my mind you know.”

  
“But you’re not going to.”

  
“No. I’m not.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Engaged eruri dealing with Erwin's mental health. Angst-ish but positive in tone with lots of domestic goodness and smut at the end (lingerie and body worship). Also text message flirting from adorable old men.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, so I decided to make this three chapters instead of a one-shot fic. This chapter is an exploration of Erwin's mental health, something that I really find interesting to write about in relation to his character. So I hope you enjoy it! I'm open to critique so feel free to leave a comment!

In Erwin’s dream he was running, but he wasn’t getting anywhere. The rain on his back was relentless, hard and chilling to the bone, and made the grass slick with mud so that each step came with an unpleasant squelch and the dirt clung to his feet.

  
He wasn’t sure what was chasing him. He only knew he had to get away from it.

  
So he tried to keep going, but the rain turned to blood and the mud turned to tar and when he fell it wouldn’t let him go. He knew he had to - he had to get up, he had to keep going because the thing that was chasing was catching up and his heart was racing and pounding and-

  
Something touched his face, soft and reassuring. Something real.

  
Erwin opened his eyes. The sun streamed through gaps in the curtains, illuminating Levi's body lying next to him. Before his eyes had even adjusted to focused Erwin had instinctively pressed his head into his lover's chest, nose again hot skin, and felt a hand come to brush against his forehead, stroking away the hair that stuck to his sweat-damp skin. He felt himself trembling, uncontrolled, as if he were still in danger.

  
“Shh,” Levi cooed softly. “Erwin...”

  
Erwin swallowed and pressed his face harder against his body, breathing in deep the grounding scent of his fiancé like it was oxygen. A hand slid through his hair, over and over, a silent reassurance. Slowly but surely he began to calm, his body coming down from the spike of adrenaline, and he realised he was in his home and in his bed. He was safe. It was just a dream.

  
“Take a big breath for me,” Levi instructed. He did, and Levi took one with him at the same time, prompting a rhythm. In – pause - out. In – pause - out.

  
“Good,” Levi said after a few repetitions. “Feel better? Or do you need to do a few more?” He spoke in a voice softer than most would believe possible of him. It was one he saved for Erwin alone.

  
“That’s fine, thank you,” Erwin replied gratefully. Levi’s hand cupped his chin, lifting his blue eyes upwards to meet with stormy grey ones.

  
“Hey handsome,” he said rather firmly. Erwin smiled.

  
“Good morning gorgeous.”

  
He kissed Levi’s forehead and felt the familiar peck on his chin as he did. Then he glanced at the clock and seeing that it was already almost 8am felt a surge of guilt for keeping Levi here past his usual getting up time. Then he scolded himself for feeling guilty. Then he wished that he didn’t have to scold himself so often. Then he wished he could just stop thinking so hard about what he should or shouldn’t be thinking about.

  
Suddenly Levi squeezed a gentle hug around him and the physical action brought him sharply back to reality.

  
“Tell me what you were dreaming about?” Levi said. Erwin sighed and let himself sink into his arms, soothed by his presence.

  
“Nothing coherent,” he replied apologetically. “Just running, being chased, dark...frightening..”

  
“I could tell.”

  
“Sorry, Levi. There’s nothing else to say really. If there was more than that I can’t remember it.”

  
“Alright,” Levi said and pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose. “I’m going to start breakfast.”  
Erwin nodded and let Levi untangle himself from both him and the bed, and watched as he shuffled to the edge and swung his legs off. Levi rubbed his face as if to clear it from sleep but then he sat still and, after a moment, glanced back round. He met Erwin’s eyes with a silent question contained in a quirked eyebrow.

  
“Go,” Erwin urged, patting his hand. “I’m alright.”

  
“Are you, though?”

  
“Enough, I promise. You can go make breakfast.”

  
“You’ll be down soon?”

  
“Yeah. I’m going to have a shower and try a few of those mental exercises.”

  
“Alright then.”

  
Erwin gave Levi a quick kiss on the back of his hand before releasing it and letting him disappear downstairs to their kitchen while he laid back, surrounding himself with pillows and mounds of fluffy duvet, and tried to get his mind to clear. He knew himself well enough now to realise that today was not going to be one of his best and that he shouldn’t be hard on himself for that. He just had to work through it.

  
The doctor had given him a lot of advice on how he could do that and so he employed some of the ideas now. Mindfulness, he’d called it. It did help and he liked to think he was getting good at them now as well, finding it much easier to slip into the blank mental space and just feel the physical sensations of his body rather than the pull of his invasive thoughts.  
Once he was done he got out of bed. He did a few quick stretches, took a short but hot shower, then padded downstairs. The backs of his slippers slapped against the soles of his feet with every step and announced his approach to the kitchen.

  
Levi glanced up at him and then went back to the teapot he was filling up, scooping tea leaves, his entire concentration on his favourite task. Erwin smiled to himself at the sight and attended to the rest of the breakfast, fishing bread out of the toaster and retrieving the bacon from the grill. Levi handed him plates and Erwin rinsed off the utensils that had already been used. They moved wordlessly, so accustomed to one another’s presence that there was no need to speak to synchronise breakfast, but now and then as they danced around one another Erwin felt a fleeting brush of a hand against his back or elbow. As Levi poured them each a cup of tea Erwin stood behind him, placed his hands onto his shoulders, and kissed him on the cheek.

  
“I’m really alright you know,” he assured gently. Levi placed down the teapot, nudged Erwin aside and took the cups over to the table where the food was already waiting.  
“Hm,” he replied and turned to look over at him, arms folded. “You’re not, though. You haven’t been “alright” for a few weeks now.”

  
“Ah, well,” Erwin said as he sat down in his usual seat. “I know that. I mean I’m alright enough right now. You don’t have to worry.”

  
“I can’t help worrying.”

  
“I’m sor-“

  
“-Don’t you dare.”

  
Erwin stopped and nodded, just a little sheepishly, and started to eat. Levi sipped his tea.  
“What are you going to do today?” he asked. Erwin thought while he chewed.

  
“I suppose I might do some gardening,” he answered eventually. “It looks to be a nice day.”

  
“Good idea. The bushes are starting to look like shit.”

  
“True enough. I’ll sort them out.”

  
“But don’t trail fucking dirt in everywhere like you did last time.”

  
“I won’t,” Erwin chuckled. “I promise I’ll be careful.”

  
“Good,” Levi nodded. He reached out his foot and gently brushed his ankle against Erwin’s. “I’m going to clean up, then, since you’ll be outside and therefore out of the way.”

  
“You clean at work and then you clean here - don’t you ever get tired of it?” Erwin teased as he let his own ankle graze against Levi’s in return, coming to rest so that their feet crossed underneath the table.

  
“Don’t ask such dumb-ass questions,” Levi rolled his eyes but when he brought them back to meet Erwin’s there was a touch of mirth hidden in them.

  
Before too long both men set to their allotted tasks. Levi lined up his array of cleaning products and set to wiping down the counters, clearing out the fridge and mopping the kitchen floor with great enthusiasm for getting into every corner to extract crumbs and dust and other debris.

  
As he set onto the windows, though, he paused and looked out through them and into their modest but well-kept garden. It was just enough for their needs. A patio with two chairs and a table that they sat at together on lazy summer evenings. Bushes of berries and buds that circled round the inside of a high wooden fence, hanging baskets and flower beds and pots of herbs and lettuce. Erwin loved their garden and he loved to take care of it. And Levi, well Levi couldn’t help but love that about him, not just because of the enthusiasm he displayed over it during long trips to the garden centre, but also because it was good to see him so at peace while he focused on caring for the plants and giving them everything they needed to thrive, almost proud when they did. Perhaps, Levi thought, it was because he couldn’t have any doubt about how good of a job he’d done when he got to see it so obviously in his growing flowers and spreading bushes. In Levi’s opinion it was far, far too easy for Erwin – even though he always found the determination to follow his instincts – to begin to doubt and second guess himself after the fact.

  
He watched him now, on his knees on the grass, carefully extracting weeds from the soil. A precise touch for such large hands. Levi decided then to take a break from cleaning to make a batch of fresh lemonade. He filled the tallest glass they owned, dropped in a decent number of ice cubes and stuck a lemon slice attractively on the side before slipping on his shoes and stepping outside.

  
“Hey,” he called to Erwin as he placed the glass on the table there. “Take a break already.” Erwin smiled at him and got up. Levi could see the beads of sweat on his forehead, dripping slowly.

  
“Oh, thanks Levi,” he said as he approached, pulling off his gardening gloves.

  
“It’s just lemonade,” Levi shrugged but watched as he gulped down half the glass in one go, throat bobbing a little as he did. “There’s more inside if you want it.”

  
When Erwin did come inside, later that day, his arms were full of different coloured flowers that had been very carefully pruned from his plants. He kicked off his shoes by the heels and laid the blooms down on an empty surface while he searched for a vase.  
“Huh,” Levi said as he looked up from where he was polishing every last piece of cutlery in the drawer. “Not bad.”

  
“Yeah,” Erwin nodded. “But they won’t last that much longer outside so I thought I’d bring them in here so they can brighten up the kitchen for a while.” He snipped the ends of each stem and arranged them in the vase, fussing over them a bit before, finally satisfied, he leaned over to take a deep breath full of their scent.

  
Levi stopped to watch, to fully appreciate the pure moment he had caught, made bittersweet with the knowledge that Erwin was in the middle of struggling with his overactive thoughts and worries. Bright, brilliant, beautiful Erwin who believed himself to be so unworthy of his fortunes when Levi had never met anyone who deserved them more. The most kind and gentle person he had ever known.

  
Levi sighed softly and went over to him, wrapping his arms around him from behind so that his hands came to rest against his chest. Erwin tensed with surprise but then settled, placing his own hands over Levi’s.

  
“Hey,” he said with a chuckle. “What’s up with you?” Levi sighed again and rolled his eyes, safe in the knowledge that Erwin couldn’t see his expression like this. What was up with him? Fucking hell. High-functioning depression made Erwin seem fine when he wanted but Levi wasn’t fooled and he squeezed him a bit tighter. He wished he could squeeze hard enough to remove the unwanted thoughts, like the seeds from the lemons. But he couldn’t

.  
“Nothing Erwin,” he shrugged and released him, turning back to the island counter and pouring out another glass which he pushed towards his fiancé. “Have some more lemonade.”

  
*

  
‘What are you wearing for Hanji’s dumb meal tonight?’ Levi sent the text to Erwin while waiting for the bus to work, then took a few sips from his tea flask while imagining his partner in his well-fitting smart white shirt and black trousers. A bit simple, but if he paired it with that scarf of his, the one that matched the blue hue of his eyes and always seemed to get adorably rucked around his chin, then it would work. In fact Levi was reaching for his phone to suggest just that when the reply came:

  
‘I feel pretty low today. I’m going to give it a miss.’

  
Despite the nature of the message Levi felt a twinge of satisfaction over the way Erwin had come to trust him to enough to just say the truth. Many times in the past, especially when they had first started dating, he’d had messages from Erwin suggesting he was tired or busy that actually meant he was just feeling like shit.  

  
That was the only good thing about the message though.

  
Levi sat for a moment, spinning his phone idly between his fingers, brow furrowed.  
‘Alright,’ he replied at last. ‘Let’s both stay home, we can watch some dumb-ass movie or something. It’ll be nicer anyway. I’ll tell Hanji you’ve got the shits.’ In his head he could hear Erwin’s deep, rich tone laughing at his crude wording.

  
‘I love you. <3,’ was Erwin’s reply. Levi smiled a little at the sweet, simple words. He stared at them, running his eyes over every letter as if he’d never seen them before even though he had, and heard them too so many times. Every single one still got him. Without realising it he found himself rubbing at the engagement ring wrapped around his finger.

  
‘Love you too Erwin. Order us some takeout? No shitty pizzas though.’

  
‘Sure. See you later.’

  
*

  
“I’m going to work from home today,” Erwin murmured sleepily. Levi had just kissed him and rolled out of bed, ready to leave for his morning shift. He paused and turned back at that, leaning over the bed to snuffle his face into Erwin’s hair for a moment.

  
“Okay,” he whispered. “I gotta go. Relax, though, sleep in if you want. Might be nice for a change huh? But you call me if you need to. You’re not allowed to mope around the house without talking to me first.” Erwin opened one eye, smiled and nodded and rolled back over. He was asleep again before Levi had even left the room.

  
When he did finally wake up once more it was several hours later. He stretched, threw on a sweater, and slowly slumped down the stairs. The clock in the kitchen echoed ticks and tocks that were far too loud. Erwin stared at it for a moment, leaning against the counter, feeling the desperate claw of emptiness in his chest. The house seemed so much bigger when he was here alone. He liked the way Levi filled it with his presence.

  
Right now, though, it was just him and he felt it like a chill. It was fine, usually. He could enjoy time alone well enough. But just sometimes, when his thoughts dipped low like this, it was hard to bare. He positively hated himself for his perceived ingratitude. After all he was healthy, he had friends, he had a house, and a job and a supportive partner that he very much loved. Yet he still had the nerve to feel like crap. His logical mind knew he was being foolish, that the invasive thoughts were not actually correct, but they were what he felt and it was hard to stop them from racing off like a runaway train and crashing straight through his self-worth.

  
_Why are you here Erwin? Why are any of us here? You know that’s why you’re so miserable, because you’re so smart, you think you should be able to figure it all out but you can’t. You’re not that smart. Just shut up. Stay quiet. Don’t be such a clever asshole. That’s why no one likes you. You think you’re better than they are and they can tell, Erwin, they know it and they hate you. And you know, _you’re_ not better than them. You’re useless. Worthless. Dispensable. Replaceable._

  
Stop, he told himself sharply, shaking his head as if trying to break out of the thoughts that way. He was suddenly aware that the pooling misery had sent tears rippling down his cheeks. He wiped at them with his sleeve, forced several deep breaths, and went into the hallway. Just by the door hung a mirror. He stared at himself in it. Straight in his own eyes. He leaned his hands against the wall on either side of it, he felt the carpet beneath his toes, and he saw himself. Gave himself a long, hard stare. It actually seemed to work.

  
_You’re strong, Erwin. You can get through this._

  
*

  
Levi was ready first. He slipped into bed, making himself comfortable, listening to the sounds of Erwin in the bathroom. The light shone out in a long strip along the carpet, through the crack in the hinge, and Levi stared at it, knowing he wouldn’t be able to even start getting to sleep until it was gone and Erwin was beside him.

  
“Don’t forget your pill,” he called out automatically.

  
“I already took it,” Erwin called back. He always had, but Levi couldn’t help reminding him anyway. Just to be sure.

  
When Erwin finally switched off the light, closed to door and slipped into bed Levi paused a moment – but only a moment – before cuddling up to him, wrapping his arms tightly around his chest. The warmth and familiarity of his body were almost deceptive. They could make Levi believe everything was alright. Instead he had to press on with the thoughts he’d been rehearsing all evening.

  
“How were things today?” he asked into the dark, stroking his thumb in circles on Erwin’s shoulder, a counterpoint to the words he knew Erwin wouldn’t like.

  
“About the same,” Erwin confessed, tipping his head to rest against Levi’s on the pillow.

  
“Aha,” Levi hummed. “I’m worried Erwin.”

  
“I know.”

  
“Talk to me.”

  
“I already told you it all, Levi.”

  
“Promise?”

  
“I swear – love, I swear,” Erwin almost pleaded, turning to rest on his side so he could look Levi in the eyes. “I just don’t know what to do right now, don’t know how to feel like I’m making a difference, or what even the point is sometimes. I’m s-,” He caught himself about to apologise and stopped. Levi kissed him in appreciation for the effort.

  
“Alright,” he said. “Alright then. So, then, if that’s what it is - and you admit its not getting better - maybe you should get them to up your dosage or try you on different medication..?”

  
“Levi,” Erwin sighed. “That’s not necessary. It’s bearable. I’m not even close to how bad I was a few years ago.”

  
“I know. I just don’t want you to end up back there again before you do something about it.”

  
“I won’t. I’m managing.”

  
“I don’t want you to ‘manage’ Erwin. I want you to get better..”

  
“What if I never get better?” Erwin said, sitting up on his elbow. “Levi, look at me. What if I never get better?”

  
“Then,” Levi looked up as requested, licking his upper lip thoughtfully. “You never get better. It doesn’t matter.” He placed his hand on Erwin’s face. “I’ll still love you. I’ll still be here. As long as you’re trying. That’s all I’m asking. Don’t pretend everything’s okay when it’s not.” Erwin leaned forward and kissed him.

  
“I’m not,” he insisted. “Trust me?”

  
“Fucking hell, you know I do.”

  
“I’ll take a few days off work, how about that? They already know the study we’re working on is a failure so it’s not as if what I’m doing really means anything.”

  
“Yeah,” Levi agreed. “Do whatever shit you enjoy for a while and stop worrying about anything, and then...we’ll talk again in a week yeah? Revaluate then?”

  
“Yeah,” Erwin nodded and relaxed back down onto the bed, pulling Levi close. He was quiet for a few moments. Then he pressed a long kiss to the top of Levi’s head.

  
“I’m so lucky to have you.”

  
*

  
‘Hey, you’re home right?’

  
The text was from Levi. Erwin was already holding the phone in his hand when it arrived. He had been scrolling through his pictures, seeing the happiness etched onto the still faces of his friends as they posed, and smiling at the memories they brought up. Good memories. They helped.

  
He pulled up the message and tapped out a reply, trying to be quick as he assumed Levi was on his break and wouldn’t have an awfully long time to exchange replies with him.

  
‘Yes. I called in sick again.’

  
‘I’m bringing home a distraction for you so you’d better be there. I finish at 11.30.’

  
Erwin tucked the bedsheets around his chin and smiled at his phone.

  
‘I’ll make sure I am. Haha. What kind of distraction?’

  
While he waited for the reply he picked a new picture for his lock screen, changing the photo of Levi at Hanji’s birthday party to a selfie with Levi he’d taken at their engagement meal where he’d actually managed to capture him smiling openly. A rare treat.

  
‘Fucking nosy!’ came the reply at last. ‘A surprise one.’

  
Erwin snickered to himself and rolled over. By the time he had a second message had arrived to follow it.

  
‘You’ll like it.’

  
‘Okay. :)’ Erwin replied, unable to resist adding the smiley, knowing what Levi thought of such things.

  
‘Don’t you pull that face at me blondie.’ Levi predictably teased.

  
‘Why, what will you do about it?’ Erwin smiled wider as he typed it out. A little spark of warmth lit up in his chest.

  
‘Wait a few hours and you’ll find out.’

  
‘When you say things like that it only makes me :) even more.’

  
‘Wrong. You look more like :D’

  
Erwin muffled what threatened to be a ridiculous giggle into his pillow. It took him several minutes to recover enough to reply and even then he had to stop a few times to chortle.

  
‘You forgot my eyebrows: ^• _•^’

  
‘Fuck you.  <3'

  
‘I thought you said it was a surprise Levi?’ Erwin replied, then added: ‘Here’s you: > _>’

  
‘Very funny. Hahahaha. You’re such a comedian, my god. Did I really agree to marry you? Fuck.’

  
‘Your sarcasm is giving me chills.’

  
‘Good. Going back to work now - floors don’t clean themselves. Keep busy. Love you.’  

  
‘Love you too.’

  
Erwin put down his phone and stretched out his arms, up toward the ceiling. Levi was right, he thought. He should try to keep busy. Try not to do too much moping and feeling sorry for himself today. Not that he could help it, exactly, but he could be responsible enough to do everything in his power to try and ensure he didn’t get any worse. So he made himself get up without further delay. He cooked himself toast. He got dressed. He spent a while on their weights machine, doing his workout routine, something he found immensely soothing. The physical exertion was a calm to turbulent thoughts and brought a strange sort of order in the rhythmic nature of it. The weights clicked, his heart raced, his skin sweated. It was satisfying. And he was in control of it.

  
When he was finally done he wiped down the machine, took a long shower, and pulled on his favourite shirt. He looked at himself in the mirror and forced himself to appreciate all the things he liked about how he looked; one of the mental exercises he had been tasked with.

  
His hair, he decided. He liked his hair. His muscles, of course, and especially how this shirt fit around them, not too tight. And his eyes, bright and blue, he could appreciate. Suddenly he felt himself growing shy at his own reflection. It certainly felt narcissistic to stand here like this and admire himself. Yet he’d spent enough time in self-loathing. It was really alright to do this instead.

  
After deciding what to cook for lunch – Spanish omelette – he walked to the nearby supermarket for the ingredients and on the way he thought about himself. He thought about the death of his father, how it had contributed to his mental breakdown a few years ago, and the loneliness of his life that had followed as he cut himself off from everyone. Yet he couldn’t help but think, despite how hard it had been, that so much of his current mental health stemmed not from that but instead from his tendency to over think. His thoughts always came back to the same conclusion, that everything was ultimately meaningless, that there was no point to life and being alive and living through it when happiness was so fleeting. There were days when he wondered if he’d ever feel happy again.

  
Erwin paused to select a carton of eggs, drumming his fingers against the packaging, checking inside to ensure none were broken and then continued on down the long aisle.  
Yet when things started to feel so hopeless his thoughts would turn to Levi. He somehow understood Erwin, yet at the same time refused to agree with him. He never allowed him validation on these thoughts and instead would tell him not to give a fuck about it. Just accept it. Try to find whatever small piece of life gave him the best chance at finding that apparently-illusive true happiness and satisfaction, and give it his all. He was probably right. Levi was something that made Erwin happy, but he knew he couldn’t live just for that. He needed more.

  
As Erwin paused his shopping to help an old man reach a jar of jam that he wanted from a high shelf, he realised how satisfying he found it to help him. Well maybe that was part of the problem. What was he doing to help anyone? He thought about his plants. He thought maybe if he could do something with his life that was making a difference then he might understand more of what the point of it was.

  
He smiled at nothing. At his realisation. He wasn’t certain yet what form it would take but even just the thought surged a new energy through him and by the time he reached the checkout with his ingredients he was feeling quite excited.  

  
At home he turned on the radio and sang along to his favourite songs while he cooked. By the time he heard the click of the front door, indicating Levi was home, the omelettes were almost done.

  
“Hey,” Levi said as he rounded the door to the kitchen with an unusual smile on his face.

  
“How was work?” Erwin asked, giving him a quick peck on the cheek.

  
“Fine,” Levi replied. “Dull. I complained about those shitty fucking mops though and they agreed to get me, you know, the actual decent ones instead.”

  
“Is that why you’re smiling like that?” Erwin laughed. He watched Levi make a start on loading the dirty utensils into the dishwasher.

  
“No,” said Levi. “It’s because when I came in I heard you singing.”

  
As Erwin served up dinner he talked about his idea with Levi, chattering in a way that was excitable, and that set Levi’s heart fluttering. He hadn’t seen Erwin so enthusiastic for weeks and weeks. He seemed younger somehow. He looked alight and alive.

  
By the end they’d not come up with a plan but they did have lots of ideas between them for Erwin to consider. He almost felt foolish for not having thought about this before. There was so much he could do. He could volunteer, or retrain to become a councillor, or even a teacher like his father. He realised now that he’d just been stuck, trying to see a bigger picture without considering his own place in it.

  
Finally there was nothing more either of them could think to say. Levi picked up his glass – sparkling grape juice since Erwin’s medication disallowed drinking – and rounded the table to seat himself on his partner’s lap. He wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

  
“Hey,” he said. “You look good Erwin. You look happier.”

  
“I feel happier,” Erwin confessed. “Its good to have a positive idea, something I could do that might change things for the better.”

  
“Yeah,” Levi agreed and kissed very softly at his nose until Erwin hummed and closed his eyes. “It’s not easy to see you so unhappy.”

  
“I know,” Erwin replied. “But you help. You help a lot.” Without opening his eyes he leaned forward and searched out Levi’s lips, pressing them with a tender kiss, followed quickly by a few more. Levi leaned as well, meeting them with a soft sigh, stroking his thumbs up and down Erwin’s cheekbones. He watched Erwin’s eyes flicker open again and they sparkled beneath his eyelids, heavy with interest.

  
“So, you said something about a distraction..?” Erwin reminded him in a low, sugary tone.

  
“Tch. I did, didn’t I?” Levi said as if musing on whether or not to still give it to him, a smirk on his lips that sent a pulse of desire straight to Erwin’s hips. “Well, if you still want it, come to bed with me and I’ll show you...”

  
That was all the encouragement Erwin needed to chase after Levi, who had immediately slunk away with a deliberate sway to his hips.

  
“Sit down,” Levi instructed once they reached the bed. He placed a hand flat against Erwin’s chest as he did, applying pressure to encourage him. “Close your eyes.” Erwin did just that, getting himself seated comfortably, feeling tightly wound anticipation. He heard a brief rustle of clothes and the distinctive clicking of a belt buckle, then felt Levi’s hands lifting his own and placing them against the suddenly-bare skin of his waist. Erwin swallowed. Levi guided his hands down, over the slight curve of his hip bones, and just another inch further where they brushed against something soft.

  
“Oh,” Erwin couldn’t help but breath out and bite lightly at his lower lip, thumbs rubbing against what he could tell was a soft lace. He heard Levi chuckle.

  
“Can I open my eyes yet?” asked Erwin with undisguised eagerness. His jeans already felt uncomfortably tight just imagining what he would see, and when Levi pushed his hands further downwards it got worse as he found himself touching against more lace that rounded the tops of his tights followed by an expanse of smooth, silken material.

  
“Sure,” Levi said and Erwin felt him release hands, their weight instead transferring to his shoulders. Erwin gave Levi’s thighs a squeeze before he did open his eyes. He was greeted by the sight of Levi wrapped like a gift in perfectly-fitted black lace underwear and his legs poured into matching stockings, and nothing else. He wasn’t sure what had happened to his shirt but his pants were on the floor around his feet.

  
“Did you...have you been wearing these all afternoon..?”

  
“All fucking day actually. Do you know how hard it was to clean in these without drawing attention to it?”

  
“You’re amazing,” Erwin whispered. He watched Levi shift his weight from leg to leg – the only tell of anxiety over displaying himself in this way – and then leaned towards him to kiss his naked stomach with very generous lips. He let his hands drop down to Levi’s ankles at the same time, then traced them slowly upwards against the back of his legs, all the way until he was cupping barely-covered cheeks. He felt Levi’s muscles flex and tense, his hands grip tighter, and his body shudder in delight. Erwin kissed more insistently at a very pleasant spot just below his naval, firm muscles underneath soft skin and tiny, twisting hairs. He heard Levi sigh. He saw the way the bulge tucked inside the almost- transparent underwear twitched.

  
“Yeah. You’re welcome,” Levi said at last in a hitched but satisfied tone, his sighs getting louder. When Erwin glanced up he could see that a red flush had hit his face and spread down his neck and chest. He laughed very softly and suddenly pulled Levi closer, settling him onto his lap so that he could kiss his lips, holding his chin with one hand and stroking up and down his leg with the other.

  
“I don’t deserve you,” he murmured after a few moments.

  
“Don’t be stupid. You deserve more than I can give. Hey-“ Levi grabbed hold of Erwin’s face between his palms and forced the other man to hold his gaze. “-I mean it, Erwin. You might have forgotten how fucking amazing you are but I haven’t, so I’m going to tell you every goddamn day until you believe it.”

  
“Oh, I see,” Erwin whispered, Levi’s words causing a spiralling heat in him, and he mouthed at his neck, suckling bruises onto the skin there. “Tell me more?”

  
“Hm,” Levi smirked at the breathless enthusiasm and indulged him with words. “You work so hard, you care so much – even about those damn plants of yours. You get dimples when you smile about dumb shit. You have so much love in you and I’m so fucking lucky that I’m the one who gets to have it, and if you ever tell anyone else that I say sentimental shit like this I’ll kill you blon-“ He was cut off by his own laugh, half joy and half surprise, as Erwin tipped him back against the bed and sat between his thighs, pulling rather frantically now at his own clothes, face red with lust. He stared down at Levi as if he was seeing him for the first time.  

  
From the way that Levi grinned back, Erwin could tell that the man was starting to lose his inhibitions and get serious. There was a seductive quality to his gaze that hadn’t been there before.

  
“Come on,” Levi encouraged impatiently as Erwin shrugged off his shirt, and he raised one of his legs up, stroking Erwin’s face with his silk-covered ankle. Erwin gave it a brief kiss before starting on his pants. Levi barely let him finish unfastening them before he had reached out to wrap a hand around his length, using the touch to draw Erwin back down to the bed and into a messy, heated kiss, enjoying the way Erwin gasped into it as he stroked him.

  
Somewhat reluctantly – he did look so good in them after all – Erwin removed the lace from Levi’s hips, though left the stockings in place since they caused no obstruction to his need to prepare Levi for his entry. By now they had a routine to it, though never rushed, and it wasn’t too long before Erwin had him slick and stretched. So when Erwin suddenly hesitated Levi knew something was off and he looked at him, fighting the raging desire to swear until he gave him what he needed in favour of being patient. This wasn’t all about him. This was supposed to be about making Erwin feel good and not stressing him out. Levi sighed and gently carded his hands through his hair a few times.

  
“Tell me what you want? Do you want me like this? Or on my knees? Or on top of you?”

  
“On top, please?” Erwin replied and kissed him once, like it was a thank you. Levi nodded and pressed him down, switching their positions so he could ride Erwin’s cock. Erwin smiled but his expression was heavy with need as he gripped tightly onto Levi’s hips. He watched him sink slowly down onto him. They groaned in unison, Levi still as he worked through the burn, finally fully seated on top of Erwin.

  
“Slow,” Erwin instructed suddenly, not taking his eyes from Levi’s for even as a second as he started to rock. Levi stared right back.

  
“I fucking love you,” Levi gasped, keeping the pace steady even though it felt like an agony to do so, but he could see from the way Erwin had arched his neck and started biting his lower lip that he was enjoying it this way. “So damn much. You handsome fucking bastard. God you feel so...so good..” Erwin released a loud cry and bucked his hips upwards, an automatic motion to chase his pleasure, which Levi took as a sign to increase the pace a little.

  
“I, I...love you too, ah...Levi,” Erwin moaned. “Ah – you’re, ah, you’re...damn, look at you...” He brought one of his hands to provide some much-needed attention to Levi’s aching erection.

  
“Ah, yes, Erwin...fuck..!” Levi panted, leaning forward to brace his hands against Erwin’s chest, moving faster and faster, more and more frantic, their voices moaning in chorus. Erwin could feel that he was closing in on his climax, pleasure and pressuring coiling tightly, and he knew Levi so well now that he could tell he, too, was reaching for the peak. He looked so good, Erwin thought through the haze of desire, above him like this, his face contorted with his own lust and his body flushed, black silk running up his legs to the middle of his thighs.

  
Almost without thinking Erwin suddenly sat up and wrapped an arm around Levi’s body, holding him still so he could thrust up into him instead.

  
“Ah?!” Levi cried in surprise and delight. He could see Erwin’s eyes full of intense determination. The shift in power, the emergence of a more demanding Erwin, sent a heady thrill through Levi’s entire body.

  
“Erwin, oh fuck! Fuck, yes, I-!”

  
His cries became incoherent as he came, spilling over both their bodies. A few moments later Erwin followed and they kissed and panted their way through the shared afterglow, stroking more and more sweetly at one another’s skin until it was an almost-chaste embrace.

  
“Levi,” Erwin whispered as he pressed little kisses along his shoulders, worshipping him with the touch. “I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

  
“Erwin..,” Levi managed to sigh as he pulled him back onto the bed and held his head, arms wrapped around it while he buried his face in those blonde locks. “You don’t have to think about that because I am here. You’re not alone. We’re dealing with how you feel – together. As long as it takes. All our lives, who gives a fuck, even when you’re a gross old man with visible nose hair...”  

  
Erwin’s shoulders shook with laughter. He squeezed Levi in a tight embrace.

  
“You’ll be a gross old man too then,” he said. “And even shorter, you realise.”

  
“Hey!” Levi scowled, but kissed him. “Cheeky shit.”

  
“It’s just a fact Levi.”

  
“Fuck you.”

  
Levi kissed Erwin, deep and long and sweet, holding on to the feeling of contentment. He held him tight, this bright sunflower, and thought he finally understood Erwin’s enthusiasm for his thriving plants.  


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are going back to the beginning - to how Erwin and Levi meet and fall in love. More text message flirting, more cuteness, phone sex and an xmas day ending. Mental health discussions and old men falling in love. Hope you like it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! It's the final chapter. Thank you so much for all the encouragement and kudos and comments. I appreciate every one! I hope you enjoy this...
> 
> Please note the tags. Once again discussions about mental health issues including a brief, subtle and very much non-explict question about self-harm, just in case that would bother you.

Levi’s current job was the best one he’d ever had. Being paid to clean? It was like the time he’d cheated his Uncle Kenny at cards and no one had realised. Every pay day reminded him of going up to his room with shiny coins weighing down his pockets, feeling triumphantly as if he’d gotten away with something wicked. 

In fact life all round wasn’t bad. Comfortable, even. His apartment was peaceful, his friends were respectful and he had found a teashop in Covent Garden that met his exacting standards. 

This job, though. This job was the best part. 

Every day at 4pm he wheeled his vacuum cleaner through the corridor and across the kitchen, into the offices and plugged it into the same spot on the wall. He put his earbuds in and whizzed the machine round the floor. Then he paused, just a few moments, to take in the sights. Blonde hair, broad shoulders and abs just visible under always well-fitting shirts. Handsome and ripped. And quiet. Which just so happened to be one of Levi’s favourite traits in people that he didn’t know. 

Blondie, as Levi had decided to call him, was always there when he clocked on at 4pm. Sometimes he was still there when Levi clocked off again at 7pm. Even on a Friday. Levi happened to know that the entire department went out en-mass on Fridays to get shit-faced. Not blondie, though. Blondie (and his abs) stayed, head down, pen tapping on the desk, deep in thought. Which suited Levi just fine. He cleaned, he ogled, he went home to his tea cabinet. He didn’t need anything else. 

Until, one day, he and blondie talked.  

Levi was wheeling the vacuum cleaner through the kitchen as usual and there he was. Hips leant against the counter in perfectly-fitting jeans with a mug of coffee clutched to his chest like it was the only source of warmth he had. The sound of the rattling wheels and the squeak of Levi’s shoes on the lino floor made him glance up, setting upon Levi with blue eyes. Almost ridiculously blue. An ocean on a sunny day, sparkling bright, rolling with undercurrents. 

And then blondie _smiled._

“Hello,” he said cheerfully, his face alight with a boyish kind of pleasure that seemed at odds with his age. “You’re the cleaner right? I’m Erwin.” He held out his hand. “What’s your name?”    
Levi stared at the offered hand for a moment before taking it. He found himself subconsciously appreciating the strength that he could feel in Erwin’s arm, and the softness of his palm. 

“Levi,” he replied, smirking a bit at the formality. 

“Pleasure to meet you Levi,” Erwin said in polite manner that overlaid an eagerness Levi wasn’t sure he completely understood. 

“Yeah. Charmed.” 

That night, Levi jerked off thinking about Erwin's firm grip clasping him tight. 

* 

The next day Erwin was at his desk. He looked up at Levi when he came in and waved at him across the room, but despite his body’s ‘over-reaction’ last night Levi had no particular wish to be paly with him. He nearly shuddered at the thought of being drawn into the kind of faux-friendship that so often came hand-in-hand with work colleagues. Having to make forced small talk? _Every day?_ Urgh. 

So he just nodded at Erwin, keeping it curt and sharp, and went about his work with his headphones stuffed firmly into his ears. 

The day after that Erwin waved again and Levi opted to completely ignore both him and the flash of confusion that faltered across his face. He saw Erwin lower his hand, slowly, like he was a little embarrassed, and on the following day the blondie only glanced up before quickly looking away. 

* 

By the time the weekend rolled round Erwin had stopped looking up at all. Levi told himself he was glad. Pretended that he hadn’t masturbated over him again last night, and also that he wasn’t at all sorry for being probably quite rude for no reason. He just didn’t want to be bothered with idle chit-chat, that was all. There was no reason to feel bad about that. It was his choice. He shouldn’t be obligated. 

Yet when he glanced over at Erwin, all alone under the glaring florescent strip lighting, he did feel a twinge of something. He thought about the look in his eyes. Something hidden in there. Something deep. Misery? Or something like it. Levi found it bothered him, but not enough to do anything about it. No, if Erwin was looking for a friend then it wasn’t going to be him, no matter how much it looked like he needed one right now with his head and shoulders drooped so low over a journal his nose was almost touching it. He was probably just tired. He worked hard enough. 

Levi got on with the cleaning. Erwin was still there when he left. 

* 

On Monday, for the first time, Erwin was missing. No big deal, Levi shrugged. But he wasn’t there the next day either, or the one after that. By the end of that week Levi started to feel annoyed when he was still missing from his very over-cluttered  desk. By the following Monday Levi could no longer help himself. 

“Hey,” he said through gritted teeth to a man who sat a few places down from Erwin’s. “What’s happened to goldilocks?” He pointed to Erwin’s seat. The man looked up and then shrugged. 

“Sick,” he replied. 

“What do you mean, sick?” Levi snapped. 

“You know, sick,” the man rolled his eyes like he thought Levi was a moron. “Sick in the head.” 

Levi had the urge to punch the man, right in his stupid fucking face, until _he_ was ‘sick in the head’. But he really did like this job. So instead he just imagined doing it; it was just satisfying enough to belay the desire.  
He turned away rather slowly and took in the sight of Erwin’s desk. It was covered in crap. A mug, a wilting plant, books, copies of journals and the usual office paraphernalia. Right in the centre was a notebook, face up, that said ‘Erwin Smith’ on it in a precise cursive. 

On the bus, on way home, Levi did a search for him on social media. Despite the common surname there were very few Erwin Smiths and of course his profile picture (looking neat and wearing a rather soft smile) made it obvious at a glance that he had the right one. 

Levi scrolled through his profile, trying not to feel like some kind of stalker. Not that there was that much to feel stalkerish about. The man barely had anything on here. Hometown; London, Birthday; October 14th, Relationship; Status Single. He didn’t post a lot either. Most of his wall was made up of pictures other people had tagged him in and most of those from two people called Mike and Nan. Some older pictures were of the three of them, another man called Nile and a woman who hadn’t been tagged. In one very old picture she and Erwin were holding hands. 

It was when Levi found a cluster of posts dated four months back declaring ‘sorry to hear about your father’ that he stopped. 

Great, Levi thought crossly. Now not only did he feel like a stalker but he felt guilty as well. The guy had just lost his dad and Levi had been a dick to him. Not that he’d known. He'd have acted differently if he had known. Right?  

Levi sighed to himself and punched the ‘add friend’ button. Maybe Erwin would see it and think Levi wasn’t quite so much of an asshole after all. He opted not to think about why that even mattered to him. 

It was almost two weeks later, still with no sign of him in the office, that Levi got the notification Erwin had confirmed the request, but that was all. Erwin did not contact him, and though Levi had a guilty click on his profile every day he didn’t contact Erwin either, even though he was burning, against all apparent sense, to know if Erwin was alright. It was all just too ridiculous. He’d barely had one conversation with the man... 

Even so, Levi still somehow found himself watering the little plant on Erwin’s desk, and dusting things off every couple of days. Couldn’t have him coming back to a dead plant and a dirty desk, he reasoned; as the cleaner that just wouldn’t be professional of him. He wondered if Erwin would notice. 

When he did finally return it was nearly a shock. Looking for Erwin had become routine but hopeless, something that simply settled into Levi’s mind as part of the background noise. Come in, look over, get on with cleaning. Now he stopped at the sight of that blonde head back in his vision once again, just as shiny as he remembered it though perhaps not quite as neat and tidy. Looking closer he thought Erwin seemed a little drawn, as if he hadn’t been eating well, and he had bags under his eyes that made him appear even more tired than he had before he’d left. 

Levi turned around and went back into the kitchen. He took a mug from the shelf, cleaned it thoroughly, then made a coffee. He kept telling himself this was a ridiculous idea, asked himself why he was doing it. He didn’t even know how strong Erwin liked his coffee, if he took milk or sugar or if he even wanted a damn coffee in the first place. So why was he making him one? He didn't stop. 

“Oi,” he said as he placed the mug gently down onto the desk by Erwin’s elbow. “You look like shit.” 

Erwin started and looked up at him, eyes filled with astonishment. Somehow Levi had forgotten quite how blue they were. Then he looked down at the offered drink. 

“Thank you,” he replied, his voice soft, those eyes quivering like they were full of ripples. Levi shrugged. 

“It’s just a coffee.” 

* 

For the next few days Levi made an effort to nod when Erwin looked up. He still wasn’t quite prepared to risk it turning into awkward small talk but he could at least be civil. Less like an asshole. Now if only he could just get everything else normal again, but given that he was back to fantasising about Erwin almost every night that didn’t seem too likely. 

Levi tried so hard to stop himself. He tried so hard to pretend he wasn’t going to, sometimes he even muttered it out loud, but once he’d wrapped his hand around his cock the images came to fuel his arousal far too readily. Those eyes staring him straight through, soft hands stripping him while his own grazed greedily down the bumps of bare abs, the taste of hot lips and the sight Erwin’s swirling whorl of blonde hair as he dropped to his knees to suck him off. It was all too much, too delicious to deny himself in the heat of the moment. He came so quickly and with such, such satisfaction. A flurry of embarrassment would settle on him for the briefest moment when he saw Erwin the next day but it didn’t last long enough to really bother him. Not until the next time he ran into Erwin in the kitchen again. 

He was starting to look much better, Levi thought, and smiled at him before he even realised what he was doing. 

“Hey,” he said, looking round to see the top of Erwin’s head bent over the recycling bin as he threw away an apple core, catching sight of the twirling pattern of hair that he’d only dreamed about. His mind flashed to his erotic fantasies and he had to employ a lot of willpower to force his body to behave. 

“Levi?” Erwin looked up and smiled a smile that was a confusing combination of confidence and coyness. “Hi, how have you been?” 

“Fine,” he replied. “Usual.” He was about to abruptly turn away and avoid anything further but something stopped him. He couldn’t put his finger on exactly what it was. Maybe it was just everything. 

“I didn’t mean to be a jerk,” he said. “Before.” 

“Oh,” said Erwin, his eyebrows pulling down into a furrow of a frown. The words seemed to have taken him by surprise.

“I...you weren’t, really. You’re not forced to be friendly with me.” Erwin’s absolute lack of apparent concern only seemed to fire the feelings bubbling underneath Levi’s skin, making him itch with anxiety. He almost wanted Erwin to say yes, he had been hurt, that Levi owed him an apology. Instead he had dismissed it and started peeling a banana. 

“I just can’t stand small talk,” Levi managed to mutter out. Erwin laughed, and it a deep, warm sound. 

“Me either,” he confessed like it was a sigh he’d been holding in. “I just want to skip it and get straight to the good stuff.” 

Shit, thought Levi. He could feel a sudden racing of his heart. Shit, he actually _liked_ Erwin. He hadn’t _liked_ anyone for years, not like this. And the vague look on the man’s face, the casual tilt of his body as he stood, the way he absently _missed_ the first bite of his banana and instead hit himself in the cheek with it, was driving Levi inappropriately wild. 

“Haha,” Erwin laughed bashfully at himself over his blunder, and Levi couldn’t risk waiting around to see him actually eat the damn thing so he turned abruptly and fumbled for the door. 

“Gotta go, bye,” he garbled, and rushed off to hide in the bathroom until his sudden erection had been glowered into submission.  

* 

Now that Levi could no longer disassociate his arousal with the real Erwin, coupled with the fact that he saw him almost every day, it was impossible to keep denying how much he liked the man. 

He was sure Erwin must be starting to wonder what was wrong with Levi. Despite a tendency to disappear inside his own head, his expression covered by a frost of thoughtfulness, Levi had discovered that Erwin was nonetheless maddeningly observant. He seemed to be able to remember the smallest of odd details, like what pen he'd used yesterday or what colour shirt someone had worn a week ago or how he'd deduce something from small details that Levi wouldn't even have thought to think about. So there was no way he could have failed to notice how Levi stared at his mouth when he talked, or the way their fingers lingered a second too long into a touch as Levi gifted him a keyboard cleaning kit, or the way he somehow always seemed to find an excuse to clean something near Erwin so that he could lean over him. 

Frankly, he was at the point of just asking the man out to save himself from obsessing so much. Last night he’d had an hour-long internal discussion with himself about whether or not Erwin’s unending collection of ridiculously coloured socks was an indication that he was into guys. It was getting out of hand. He should just do it. The worst that could happen was that Erwin would say he didn’t like men. Or he’d say he thought Levi was an ugly gremlin. Or god forbid he’d actually say yes, they’d go one awful date and agree never to look one another in the eyes again. 

So one night, after a few glasses of wine, he opened up his laptop and sent a message to Erwin; a picture he’d found of a disgusting, dirty keyboard. 

‘This could be you,’ he wrote after it. A few minutes later a ding signalled the reply. 

‘Haha. Not anymore thanks to the kit you gave me. Thanks again. :)’ 

What a dork, Levi thought with a slight smile. 

‘Yeah. I like cleanliness.’ 

Smooth, Ackerman, he cringed. 

‘Then I’ll be extra sure to clean it very carefully.’ 

Levi frowned. What did that mean? His heart sped up its beat in his chest. He swallowed, tapped his fingers on his lap, then wrote: 

‘I’ll be inspecting. I’ll give you my assessment on Friday night, over a drink. I know you don’t have anything better to do.’ 

He paused, re-read it, cringing again. It was pretty bad. His index finger hovered over the send button, trying to decide.

He chewed his bottom lip. 

Fuck it. 

He pressed send. Then immediately, in some alarm, added: 

‘If you want.’ 

It felt like an age before Erwin replied. Levi had managed to finish off another whole glass of wine in the time it took, growing more and more agitated and regretful. 

‘Are you asking me out?’ 

Levi groaned and fell back in his chair, hand on his forehead. Then he furiously jolted upright again and slammed his fingers onto the keys. 

‘Obviously. Is there some confusion here?’ 

‘Just making sure. I’d like that. :) What time on Friday?’ 

Levi smiled. It felt like a grimace. 

* 

Knowing in advance that Levi detested small talk did a lot to put Erwin at ease on their date. It gave him the confidence to skip the often-awful pleasantries without feeling rude and go right into deeper and more interesting topics of conversations. 

He told Levi about some of the things he loved, like cooking, gardening, history and art, and talked about politics, philosophy, morality and life. Levi mostly listened, sipping his drink, dark and heavy eyes attentive to Erwin’s every word. 

It didn’t bother him that Levi was quiet. He could tell it was just his way, because when he did chime in with something to say in his drawling (and, Erwin thought, seductive) voice it was always engaged and insightful, if clumsy in its wording. It only made him more endearing. 

The whole evening – the whole _date_   - made Erwin feel...well, he realised. Happy. Everything seemed to put him at ease, he was relaxed and confident and Levi’s attention was so focused on him that he felt assured to speak at length and with passion; a passion he’d almost forgotten he had. When they finally parted outside the door of the bar, Erwin couldn’t help but turn to him and ask; 

“Can we do this again?” 

“Sure,” Levi nodded. Erwin noticed the way Levi stared up at his lips, but when he leaned down he just pressed a soft kiss to Levi’s cheek, said goodnight, and took the long way on his walk home. 

He’d liked Levi from the moment he’d met him. At that time he’d been in no fit mental state to give it much consideration, except to obsessively second-guess the indifference that Levi had displayed towards him. Just the last in a long line of perceived social rejections that had plagued his adult life. 

_One_ _conversation and he's sick of you. You’re_ _a useless mess. He can tell, you know, they all can..._

Without realising it he had fallen into a trap. At work he could focus his mind on research and block out troublesome thoughts, but every moment there made him feel desperately miserable and alone in this room full of people. Yet he didn’t want to go home. At home he felt a different kind of alone, the solitude screaming into the silence, making him wonder what he was doing here and to what difference he made to anything. There was nothing there that could distract him from his over-thinking. 

Waking up one morning in the throes of a panic attack, unable to face either going to staying, he had finally had to admit he couldn’t beat his problems alone. He got himself signed off work, accepted the prescribed anti-depressants and started therapy. 

So he had to question now – was wanting to date Levi a step forward, or something that may only serve to set him back? 

There was no doubt that Levi had been difficult at first. Erwin could see now how that perceived disinterest had simply been the product of a solitary and socially-awkward man, who protected his time and energy with ferocity. There was nothing wrong with that. 

There was no doubt either that Erwin liked Levi very much, from his subtle kindnesses to his blunt, no-nonsense demeanour, to his strong, lithe frame and deadpan look that could suddenly break like the tide to wash up some intriguing treasure of an expression. 

And there was no doubt that he was doing, and feeling, much better now. The meds had taken the edge off his thoughts and allowed him to set them aside in a way that was healthy and constructive. The therapy, too, had been nothing but beneficial. 

He wasn’t _better,_ though. He was only getting better. 

In the end Erwin decided to take the advice his therapist had been drumming into him since his very first session, and that was to talk about his problems honestly. Which is how he found himself, a few dates in to his unexpected relationship with Levi, ready to do just that. 

The park was crisp, covered in crunchy scatters of golden leaves, and the slightest of frosts touching the ground. Though it was full of runners, dog walkers and strollers enjoying the sharp autumnal sunshine, Erwin felt alone. It was not an unfamiliar feeling. What was unfamiliar was that when he glanced down at Levi (awkwardly clutching a cardboard container of tea between gloved hands and almost disappearing behind his oversized hood) the feeling dulled. 

 “Shitty-ass gloves,” Levi was muttering darkly and Erwin couldn’t help smiling behind the folds of his scarf. “Too...argh, I can’t hold my tea like this, damn it! Here!” Growing impatient and irritated he held out his cup to Erwin to hold and then yanked off his gloves, shoving them into his pocket. 

“Your fingers are going to get cold” Erwin said. 

“Tch. I’m not risking my tea,” Levi huffed. “D’you know how expensive this was?” He took the cup back from Erwin, satisfied now he wouldn’t spill it, and started walking again. Erwin looked down at Levi’s one free and soon-to-be-cold hand. 

“Can I?” he asked. Levi quirked an eyebrow at him, rolled his eyes, and grabbed Erwin’s hand. 

“No,” he drawled, lacing their fingers together. Erwin chuckled and lifted Levi’s hand to his mouth, blowing hot breath onto his fingers. It was Levi’s turn to laugh, a short bark. 

“You cheeseball,” he tutted and nudged him in the ribs, almost playfully. 

“That isn’t very fair Levi. I can’t retaliate or you’ll get tea down you.” 

“Yup. So don’t even try it, blondie.” 

Erwin watched Levi shake his head and then glance up at him. Their eyes met. Their feet stopped. The faintest of smirks tugged at Levi’s mouth and he stepped closer, his dark eyes irresistible black holes, pulling him in. They widened subtly. 

“Stop staring,” Levi said. “Kiss me.” 

“Oh,” Erwin breathed, shivering at the directness, the way the words were almost an order. Part of Levi’s awkward communication style. “That’s what you want?” 

“Sure, why not...” 

Erwin reached out his hand and just touched a loose strand of Levi’s hair, brushing it back. 

“I’ve never met anyone like you,” he said softly, but he didn’t move to kiss him.  

Levi stayed quiet, feeling his mouth drying from the nervousness and the encroaching feeling that he was not going to get the first kiss he had so boldly and certainly demanded only moments ago. Everything had seemed so right. What was the problem? He couldn’t hold back a tiny noise of impatience. 

“Do you mind me saying that?” was all Erwin said and Levi was starting to feel decidedly embarrassed. He knew Erwin wasn’t this oblivious so was he deliberately pretending to be? And why? 

“No,” Levi sighed. “I don’t mind. Erwin, what-“ 

“-I want to tell you some things about me.” 

The wind whipped at Erwin’s hair as he paused in his step. Levi stopped too, a step behind, but their hands remained clasped together. 

“Alright,” said Levi and he gestured to a nearby bench. “Want to..?”  

Erwin considered, then nodded, and the two men sat side by side. Levi put his feet up on the bench, tucking his knees under his chin, watching Erwin, shoulders forward and elbows on his knees, stoic posture ruined by the way he kept pinching anxiously at the edges of his blue scarf. He didn’t say anything, not for a while, and when at last he did it was simply; 

“I apologise. I’m just trying to gather my thoughts. This isn’t so easy for me to say out loud.” 

“Take your time,” Levi replied. “Makes no difference to me.” He saw a curling of Erwin’s lips that was gone with a gust of wind. 

“I lost my father this year,” Erwin finally explained, his voice quiet and calm while his eyes fixated on a spot on the ground in front of him. “He was my only family. I didn’t cope with it very well. I’ve been quite ill from it – but more than that, I think I’ve been ill for some time and I just never realised it.” He paused to recollect himself. Then he glanced at Levi. 

“Go on,” he said simply. Erwin nodded.  

“What I’m trying to say is that I have enjoyed spending time with you. Now I want you to know, so you have the chance to decide if I’m what you need in your life. Because right now, in many ways, I’m a mess. I’m in therapy. I’m on antidepressants. They’re helping, but I’m afraid the upwards trend is no forever guarantee. I could fall again. I could simply never be completely better.” He took a breath in, deep, and sighed it out. “Don’t be afraid to go, I will understand, I promise. I won’t think less of you. Don’t feel that you need to stay out of pity.” 

“Tch,” Levi tutted. “I don’t like you that much.” Despite himself, Erwin laughed, and the sound was so warm it seemed to cut through the cold air. 

“Yes, that was presumptuous of me,” he said graciously. Levi sighed, sipping his tea, taking a moment before speaking again. 

“I get why you said all that stuff,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders. “But I’m not afraid of it. I guess I understand some of it.” Erwin felt the way Levi’s hand suddenly tightened on his, and the way his throat made a tight sound, like he was swallowing while trying to speak and the words were caught in his windpipe. 

“I wouldn’t wish the ability to understand these kinds of feelings on anybody,” said Erwin. “You know, I...think you’re one of the kindest people I’ve ever met?” 

“Fuck off,” Levi scoffed, feeling his cheeks warm, stark contrast to the temperature around him. Then he swung himself around on the bench, facing Erwin and his deep eyes, realising at last what it was that he could see swimming in their depths. He held them in his own gaze. He had to ask, had to know, because...he worried...he cared. Not that it would make any difference. 

“You ever hurt yourself?” he asked. “Try to end it? It won't change anything, you know, if you did.” 

The blunt, direct question startled Erwin and his eyes widened for a moment, before contracting back. He shook his head. 

“Sometimes I’ve loathed myself so much I wished that I didn’t exist,” he replied, slowly, each word thoughtfully chewed.

“But not that much.” 

“That’s good,” Levi said, and his posture relaxed. He slumped his feet down, off the bench, and gave a tug on Erwin’s hand.  

“Let’s finish walking?”  

Erwin nodded and they resumed the swishing of the browning leaves with their feet along the ground. For a little while it was in silence. Then Levi released Erwin’s hand, to take his empty paper cup to the recycling bin. When he trudged back Erwin looked up and gave him a soft, unreadable smile. 

“I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable,” he said. 

“Actually,” Levi breathed, almost a hiss. “I was trying to decide if it would be insensitive of me to bring up that kiss thing again...” He scuffed his feet, looking down at them. When he looked up again with a self-aware pout, Erwin bent his head and pressed a light kiss to his mouth. It was no more than a sweeping, and Levi had had chapsticks that rolled across his lips with more sexual intent, but against all reason a fire churned down his stomach, setting him alight with desire. He found himself reaching out, gripping tight hold of the front of Erwin’s coat, pulling him instantly back in for a longer and more tangible kiss. He wanted this. He wanted this man with his gentle touch, sensitive words, intense stare, perfect jawline and all his issues. He wanted Erwin. The rest was just detail. 

At first Erwin’s body was stiff with surprise, but then Levi felt his arms slide around him, gripping him, pulling him into a hold. He heard his breath shudder at the start and stop of each little kiss. He smelt the scent of clean clothes, cologne and Erwin, unmistakable Erwin. 

When they stopped Levi realised the hood of his coat had fallen down. Erwin’s expression was full of pleasure and amazement, his eyes closed. Levi felt breathless. He watched Erwin’s eyes flicker open like he was waking up from a deep sleep. 

“Wow,” he gasped. “Your lips are so cold.” 

“Are you kidding me Erwin?” Levi laughed incredulously. 

“Sorry,” Erwin chuckled in return, relaxing his hold. Levi sighed. He shifted, inserting his frame underneath Erwin so that his arm draped across Levi’s shoulders and his own arm snaked around his middle. A comfortable stance to start walking again. 

“I’m not dating you because I feel sorry for you,” Levi said. When he didn’t get a reply he looked up, and Erwin was smiling at him, something very soft and oddly subtle, an expression that was very close to not being there at all. 

“What?” Levi demanded. 

“Nothing,” Erwin dismissed, though on the inside he felt a warm little spot, something that centred in his chest but seemed to fill him from head to toe. When he thought back to it later on he would realise that was the moment he had started to fall in love. 

* 

Before he let Erwin step foot in his apartment, Levi made him take his shoes off. Then he apologised for how shitty the place was. 

“Costs me a fortune,” he grumbled, pointing round at the tiny space. “But housemates are gross. They leave dirty plates, clog the shower and steal tea.” He folded his arms over his chest. “And this is the best I can afford.” 

“It’s nice,” Erwin just smiled. “Cosy.” 

“Sit if you want,” Levi pointed to the bed, since the place wasn’t even big enough for a couch. Just the bed, a rail for his clothes, a drum kit in one corner and a glass-fronted cabinet full of boxes of tea in the other. 

“Thanks,” said Erwin. He took off his coat and hung it up on the back of the door, then sat on the bed. He felt awkward. He was sure he looked awkward too. But when Levi came over, sat beside him and draped his knees over Erwin’s legs he said; 

“This place seems nicer right now though. Took long enough to get you in here.” 

He was thinking about the last two dates that Erwin had cancelled, but decided not to elaborate. 

“It is nice, you know. I like how clean it is,” Erwin replied, and Levi kissed him. 

It wasn’t that Levi thought Erwin was a delicate flower or anything. It was just that he didn’t feel right treating him the way he treated other guys; guys you threw away like old gum. Erwin was the one you kept on chewing. It felt best this way, letting things take a more natural progression to the physical side. Levi liked Erwin enough to fight his natural impatience. Just about. 

Tonight, though, was different somehow. Perhaps it was the way winter’s cold had crept up on them, leaving them chilled and inclined to cling to one another’s warmth. Perhaps it was that they knew tomorrow Levi would be going north to visit his Uncle for the holidays and wouldn’t be back for weeks. Perhaps it was just that Erwin was horny. Levi didn’t know. Whatever it was, though, tonight had brought them to be side by side on Levi’s bed, limbs tangled, in the middle of a heated make-out session and Levi couldn’t have been happier about it. His had his hands in Erwin’s hair and had made a mess of the usually-neat styling, and somewhere along the line he’d undone half of the buttons on Erwin’s shirt, revealing the first glimpses of his toned chest. In return Erwin’s had rucked up the hem of Levi’s shirt and started stroking the bare skin that it left behind. The simple touch made Levi’s heart race. 

Erwin, he realised, did something to him that defied all sense. 

Like how right now he had him, this hot and handsome man he’d been lusting over for months, on his bed and was kissing him with all his might and a hard-on growing in his pants. Yet on realising that Erwin’s hands were trembling he actually, without hesitation, stopped. 

“Hey, hey,” he said and the words came on a sigh. “We don’t have to do this...” Erwin leaned in and pressed a kiss that parted again in a loud smack of lips. 

“I’m fine, Levi,” he insisted in a heady whisper. “It just feels like a long time since I’ve done this. Like a different lifetime.” He kissed Levi again. “I want to, though. With you..” 

Erwin suddenly wrapped his arms tighter, strong enough to pull Levi across the little space between them with ease. Their chests bumped and their hips collided, making their shared arousal undeniable to one another. Levi bit his lower lip. Erwin released a slow breath. Neither pulled back. 

“And,” Erwin continued on with a flush spreading across his face as his leg pressed between Levi’s knees. “I’ve never been with someone like you. That I liked as much as you, I mean..” 

“Tch,” Levi replied, sure his own face must be red too. “I’m the one who should be fucking nervous with a ripped blonde like you in my bed.” He pushed his hips flush to Erwin’s and delighted at the way the man's throat bobbed and his eyes widened and his cock distinctly twitched into the pressure. A delicious grin spread across Erwin’s face as he pressed right back at Levi. 

“Like you’re not dark-eyed and gorgeous,” he said. His hands had stopped shaking, Levi realised, and they were gripping a little lower down his waist. Their gaze held, locked in place, eyes mirrors of desire to one another as hips started to roll in rhythm. Levi appreciated the friction providing relief to his aching groin, and the power behind Erwin’s movements. He imagined what it would feel like to have Erwin inside him. He imagined what it would be like to be inside Erwin. He wanted to find out, he wanted to fuck him or be fucked, honestly it didn’t even matter right now he just wanted them both naked and fucking. 

It was the expression on Erwin’s face that stopped him from pursuing that tonight. 

Levi watched him. His eyes were closed and his lips slightly parted to pant out soft, deep breaths. He looked...relaxed. Blissfully chasing pleasure, giving himself over to the sensations, leaving no space to think about anything else. Levi felt as if he’d never wanted anything so much in his entire life than to see Erwin look this way. Untroubled. Unthinking. Happy. 

Erwin sighed. _Levi._ Then he sighed again. _Levi, Levi..._ And Levi’s chest went tight and he stared, just stared, unable to tear his eyes from Erwin’s face. He wanted to see it twist with absolute pleasure, see the joy of orgasm light in his eyes and the soft relaxation of his features in the afterglow. He wanted that even more than his own pleasure. He wanted to know how that was even possible. 

Slowly, Levi manoeuvred himself so he was straddling Erwin’s body, his hips doing the work of grinding, letting Erwin lay back and just enjoy this fully-clothed rub-off. Not that Levi wasn’t enjoying it as well. 

“You like this Erwin?” he asked, his voice breathless. 

“Yeah...feels good, Levi...” 

Levi ran his hands down Erwin’s chest, letting his palms rest there, bracing him. He shifted a bit against the hardness of Erwin’s erection, straining against his pants, until he felt Erwin buck against him. 

“Ah,” he moaned. “There...” It was a delicious sound. His movements became more frantic, more desperate, hands gripping tight the bedsheets. Levi didn’t even care about the wrinkles it would create. 

“Levi...” Erwin sighed again. “I’ll come...” Levi pushed down on Erwin’s chest and lowered his head so that the tips of their noses touched.  

“So come,” he said and the words tasted like sweet, dripping honey as they fell from his lips. Levi was soon rewarded with the sight he so desired, and the moans that came from Erwin’s throat only added to the delight. When the moans turned into solid words, and the words became “thank you”, Levi came too, with a desperate kiss. 

They lay in the quiet of their shared panting for so long Levi thought Erwin might have fallen asleep. Then he felt the press of a gentle kiss to his temple. 

“Can I uh...use your bathroom?” Erwin asked in a sheepish voice. Levi rolled off him. 

“Sure, go nuts,” he replied and lay there, staring up at the cracks on his ceiling, coming down from the euphoria, wondering what he was meant to do next. This was so frustratingly new. Would Erwin want to leave? Would he want to cuddle? Would he think Levi was some kind of weirdo for not even trying to take off his clothes? 

He felt himself getting warm with embarrassment and uncertainty. It had seemed so right in the moment but...he usually at least gave a proper handjob, not some awkward fully-clothed thrusting. What if Erwin was disappointed? Shit... 

When Erwin returned he took his own turn in the bathroom, taking just enough time to clean himself up to really work himself into a tizz about it, so that when he sat back down on the bed and Erwin turned to him, pulling him into a kiss that felt almost reverent, he really couldn’t understand it. Then he felt the kisses move, soft across his cheeks and down his nose and under his eyes, and he tensed up in surprise at the unguarded and unexpected affection. He knew he shouldn’t be surprised, he knew in his heart this was fast becoming, well, a _relationship_ but they hadn’t actually talked about it, and suddenly Erwin was treating him like something good, like he actually cared about Levi, and no one cared about Levi. Sure Erwin did a lot of nice things but that was his way, as open on the surface as he was closed underneath, and he was sweet so of course he said sweet things but this...this was new. This was tangible and real. It made his head spin. He pushed Erwin back a little. 

“Levi?” Erwin puzzled. Levi tugged his clothes back into place and leaned forwards onto his knees. 

“Just...give me a second,” he mumbled, trying to calm and breath and make some sense of the idea that...that someone like Erwin could like someone like him.  

“Did, ah..,” Erwin said after a few minutes of sitting quietly. “Did I...do something wrong..?” 

“No, Erwin,” Levi almost snapped the words out. “No, just...look, what is this?” He gestured to the space between them. Erwin frowned. 

“I thought we...we were dating,” he replied. “Was I - am I - wrong?” His voice sounded small. 

“Yeah, well, we are I guess..,” Levi started then trailed off, feeling himself growing increasingly frustrated at his inability to articulate his thoughts. 

“I..,” Erwin faltered. Levi felt the mattress shift with the loss of weight as Erwin stood and started putting on his shoes. 

“I should go,” said Erwin. “I think I’ve made a fool of myself and I apologise, if I’ve upset you or...”  
Upset? 

Levi glanced up just in time to see Erwin’s own upset expression, just before he grabbed his coat and practically ran from the apartment. 

“Tch,” Levi clucked but it was a few moments after the sound of the door clicking closed behind him that his mind snapped back to reality and he realised he was alone. Not only alone, but alone because he’d just let Erwin leave thinking that he’d done something wrong, when it was...well it was the opposite. _Shit..._

He shot to the door and yanked it open. Then he felt like a prize moron. As if Erwin would still be standing there. He turned back into his apartment and frantically searched for his phone. Finally he discovered it under the bed and punched up Erwin’s number. 

Straight to voicemail. Of course. He was probably already on the tube home by now.  

Levi threw his phone onto the bed, hard, as if it was the cause of all his problems. Then he sighed and picked it up again, clutching it to his chest. The next thirty minutes were the longest of his life, spent in guilty misery, waiting for Erwin to hopefully call him back. Assuming that he would. Levi could guess that Erwin was spending the entirety of his journey second-guessing himself, probably working himself into his own fret, which did nothing at all to ease Levi’s guilt. What a goddamn bastard he was, he thought bitterly. 

When his phone lit up, Levi almost dropped it. Luckily he caught it. 

“Erwin!” he almost gasped as he answered. 

“Levi,” Erwin replied in a voice of almost-masked uncertainty. “Are you alright?” 

“No,” Levi snapped, running a hand through his hair. “No I’m not alright, I’m an asshole.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“You’re sorry? What the hell are you sorry for? I’m the one who should be sorry!” 

Levi realised too late that he probably sounded angry. He tried to reign it in before Erwin could misinterpret it as being directed at him. 

“I didn’t mean to...upset you,” he managed to say at last. 

“I upset myself,” said Erwin in that infuriatingly calm tone. “Don’t beat yourself up about it, but can you tell me what was wrong..? I’d like to know. You seemed agitated.” 

Levi sighed. He laid back against his bed, phone against his ear. He’d never noticed before what a soothing voice Erwin had. It was deep, strong, but smooth and reasonable. It made him feel relaxed. He sighed again. 

“I can try,” he muttered. “I’m not that good at this shit though.” 

“You can take your time,” Erwin encouraged. “I’ve got no other plans.” 

Levi nodded. Then he remembered Erwin wouldn’t see him nodding. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Alright. Just...shit, Erwin, I can’t believe I messed things up tonight.” 

“You didn’t. We’re still talking, aren’t we?” 

“I guess so.” 

“I shouldn’t have left so fast, but I suppose I panicked. I thought I’d done something wrong.” 

Levi’s heart seemed to swell in his chest. He bit his bottom lip. 

“You didn’t. And stop apologising. You do that too much. Look, I messed up alright? I just...I didn’t know you gave a shit about me, that’s all.” 

“Levi,” Erwin sounded unabashedly astonished. “Of course I do. And you care about me. At least I believe that you do...” 

“Yeah, I do Erwin. I mean you’re a good person. It’s easy to care about you. Just not used to anyone bothering about me.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because they never have before.” 

“Their loss is my gain.” 

Levi felt a smile flit across his face. 

“Are you even real?” he said, fighting to keep amusement out of his voice. “How do you talk like that?” 

“Haha,” he heard Erwin chuckle down the phone, and it was a pleasant sound that did much to ease Levi’s nerves. “It’s just the truth.” 

The heat of Erwin’s sincerity melted Levi’s defences. 

“I guess that’s what bothered me, before,” he confessed in a quiet voice. “I wasn’t expecting this to be more...I just...realised tonight that it is, it’s not just that you’re hot.” 

“Is that alright by you?” 

“Yeah. It’s alright by me.” 

Erwin smiled into his phone and watched the tiniest of snowflakes falling down onto the back of his hand. He curled his knees a little closer. His doorstep wasn’t exactly the warmest place to sit but here, outside, in the cold air and Levi’s voice in his ear, he felt he could keep his thoughts in order much better than inside his empty house. 

“I’m glad,” he told him. 

“I’ve only been with guys who cared about getting laid,” Levi continued. “Fine by me. I care about getting laid too. But they never cared about me, and why should they, not like I gave them a reason to. Better they didn’t care anyway. Saved me having to get rid of them.” He huffed a short laugh, then paused. “You’re not like that, Erwin. I don’t know what you are. But not that. Something good. After Ma died, my uncle Kenny dragged me up and made me think people are selfish. You though, you’re...” He trailed off and Erwin stayed silent, patient, waiting for him to find the right words. 

“You’re like....I don’t know, walking in the sun,” Levi continued eventually. “Or the....water in a fountain. You know what I mean? You always give. You always just...want to make things good. Nice. When I think about good stuff, I think about you.” 

Erwin reached up and wiped under his eyes with his thumb, loosening the tears that had slipped free. 

“I understand,” he said. 

“Alright then,” Levi replied in a tone of relief. “Good.” 

“I’d better go,” Erwin finally decided, feeling how hard it was getting to keep his voice even. “Have a safe journey tomorrow. I’ll...text you, alright?” 

“Sure. Goodnight Erwin.” 

“Goodnight Levi.” 

* 

‘Happy Xmas - and happy birthday too! xx’ 

Levi smiled a secret smile at the message from Erwin that had popped up on his phone. He’d scowled at all the others. 

‘Yeah you too. The Xmas bit anyway. Thanks for the book and stuff.’ 

Erwin had bought him a book about how to make your own cleaning products, a nice quality tea and a box of chocolates he’d once confessed to being fond of. He felt a bit bad now that he’d only got Erwin a mug. At the time it’d seemed like such a good idea, a big round thing that came with some cocoa powder and a tiny whisk, he’d been able to imagine Erwin making it and enjoying a few moments of quiet happiness with the comforting drink. Now he was wondering if it actually just seemed like a really shitty, thoughtless gift. 

‘Can I call you later? :)’ 

‘Kenny’s going out at 8’ 

‘Speak then. <3’ 

Erwin re-read the messages a few times and held tightly onto the mug even though it was cold and empty now. 8pm seemed to take a long time to come, even tucked up in bed with a book, but at last it did and he punched up Levi's number at exactly 8.01pm. 

“Hey Erwin,” Levi’s voice greeting, drawling out the words. 

“Hi Levi,” Erwin smiled and leaned back onto his couch. “It’s good to hear your voice.” 

“Yeah. It sucks here,” Levi said. “Kenny’s a shithead. You know what he got me? A packet of cigarettes. Wrapped them up and everything. I threw them at him, so he smoked them. Now the house stinks.” Erwin wrinkled his own nose in sympathy. 

“Sorry to hear that,” he said. “The only thing I can smell is the detergent I use coming off my sweater.” 

“Damn, I love that smell,” Levi replied in a mournful tone, making Erwin softly chuckle. “So what did you do today huh?” 

“I made myself a nice breakfast and I opened my gifts. Then I went to volunteer at the shelter for a few hours, I came home and made my hot chocolate – thank you for that, by the way – and now I’m talking to you.” 

“There was a pause before Levi replied. 

“You didn’t have anyone over..?” 

“Who would I have invited?” Erwin said just a little awkwardly. 

“Crap,” Levi said as it dawned on him that Erwin probably used to spend the holidays with his Father. “I didn’t even....I should have thought. Shit. I’d have blown off Kenny to spend the day with you instead.” 

“I didn’t want to make a fuss about it,” Erwin replied quietly, tucking his knees into his chest. “But thank you. I appreciate you saying that.” 

“Don’t be stupid Erwin,” Levi sighed. “You...okay, though, yeah?” 

“My hot chocolate helped. And it was good to do the volunteering, it gave me a sense of purpose. And talking to you now.

I really do miss you, you know?” 

“I miss you too.” 

Erwin thought Levi sounded surprised at his own words. He decided not to comment on it. 

“What would you do if I was there..?” Levi asked suddenly. 

“Oh,” Erwin said, taking a second to think and swallowing as a few ideas flashed through his head that he wasn’t sure he could say out loud. “I would...hold you, I suppose. I bet you’re cold so I’d hug you really close. Let my sweater tickle your nose..” He chuckled. 

“Nice. Would you kiss me?” 

“Yeah, I’d kiss you. I’d kiss you a lot.” 

“Good. Kissing you is fun. You’ve got good lips, blondie.” 

“Hey!” Erwin protested without any conviction. He felt his face warming gently as tiny thrills made his toes curl. 

“You in bed?” Levi asked. 

“Yeah,” Erwin replied. “I was reading.” 

“Ah,” said Levi, then paused. “What are you wearing?” 

“Pardon?” Erwin laughed. 

“Come on – if I’m pretending I’m there with you then I want to know.” 

“Pyjama pants,” Erwin replied, looking down at himself. “They have pictures of bacon rashers on them.” 

“Sexy,” Levi teased with a soft laugh. “So, uh...no shirt...?” 

“No,” Erwin said coyly. “I have the heating on.” 

There was a lengthy pause before Levi spoke again. 

“Hey, Erwin,” he said. “Close your eyes?”

“Alright,” Erwin said, doing so. “Why?” 

“Just do it.” 

“Done. Now what?” 

“Are you comfy?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Go back to before,” Levi instructed, his voice turning a sweet, sticky quality. “Picture us together. Are we still kissing?” 

“Yeah,” Erwin smiled. 

“Who’s on top?” 

Erwin cracked open his eyes. 

“Uh..” 

“Come on, tell me,” Levi urged in his ear. 

“I am.” 

“Where are your hands?” 

“I suppose one under your shoulders, and the other...on your waist?” 

“Cosy. I like it. What would you do next?” Levi asked, and his voice was low and rich, sensual and faraway. Combined with the dark of his eyelids Erwin found it easy to immerse himself in the increasingly-erotic fantasy. 

“Kiss your neck. You like that?” 

“Yeah. Keep going..” 

Erwin rubbed his hand slowly across his bare chest. 

“I’d keep kissing your neck for a while. Until you sighed for me..” 

“Are you leaving marks?” 

“So many.” 

“Good, because I’m yours, make sure everyone can tell." 

“Ah,” Erwin heard his own voice hitch along with his groin. “Yes.” 

For a moment or two he just listened to Levi’s slightly-quickened breathing. 

“Do you like it, Levi?” 

“Hell yes.” 

“Alright. Me too. Ah...I’m taking off your shirt, so I can leave them on your chest too..” 

“That’s good Erwin, don’t stop..” 

Levi made a throaty gulping sound and Erwin’s stomach seemed to pleasantly twist at the sudden realisation. 

“Are you touching yourself?” 

“Yes.” 

Erwin instantly groaned and slid his hand under the waistband of his pants, wrapping it around his erection, stroking. 

“Me too.” 

“Shit this is hot,” Levi moaned in his ear via the phoneline. “I want to suck your dick.” 

“A-ah, hmm,” Erwin strained to get his voice under control as he imagined him doing just that. “Yeah, yeah...good...I want

to make love to you though, I really want that, want you like that. Can I..?” 

“D-do it...take me. I’m yours. How do you want me? Tell me..” 

“In my l-lap,” Erwin stammered, picturing it clearly as he heard Levi dissolve into groans, and he felt the last of his lingering inhibitions disappear along with them under desire to please him as thoroughly as possible, even if only with words. “Riding...I’m holding your hips...ah, kissing you...inside you...” 

“You’re so fucking good Erwin!” Levi cried just before he came, his voice a panting, moaning mess of sound. It was enough to encourage Erwin’s own release shortly after. He sighed through it, listening to Levi whimper and gasp. 

“Yeah...good Erwin...come for me. I’m a fucking...mess now...look what you did to me..” 

“Levi, hah,” Erwin laughed. His body relaxed deep into the mattress, eyes still closed, silence between them but for the slowly-steadying breathing that automatically synced. He was close to drifting off when Levi spoke again. 

“Erwin,” he panted. “I love you, Erwin...” 

“L...Levi..,” Erwin said on the end of a long exhale of breath, the words ringing around his head. “I love you too, do you mean it?” 

“Yeah. I do.” 

“Levi?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I...I’m kissing you again. Softly this time. And holding you tight.” 

“Ah,” Levi sighed, a happy sound. 

“And I’m saying – whispering – that you’re beautiful, Levi. You’re a beautiful person. I never thought I would meet someone like you.” 

“Idiot,” Levi said affectionately. “I want to make you happy.” 

“You do make me happy, Levi,” Erwin smiled. 

“What are you doing tomorrow, Erwin?” 

“Tomorrow..? Probably...watching bad movies on tv. Why, what are you doing?” 

“Coming to see you.” 

* 

The journey was hell on earth. Levi had to book an overpriced ticket on a crowded coach that smelt like sweat and failure and took a little over six hours. He was relieved when they stopped at a roadside services as he absolutely refused to use the disgusting bathroom provided on the bus, and was thankful that at least the ones at the services were better. 

While they waited for the driver to finish his coffee he browsed the tiny shops and finally picked up a box of attractive doughnuts and a big bunch of flowers that cost him almost as much as the coach ticket had. It was all worth it, though, he kept on thinking. Thinking of Erwin waiting for him at the end. Bright, handsome, kind Erwin with his nice-smelling sweaters and blue eyes. Yeah. He loved him alright. And as long as Erwin loved him too, he’d never let him spend another holiday by himself. 

Back on the coach Levi tried his best to ignore the person sitting next to him taking up too much of his personal space and slumped against the window, flowers on his knee, watching the fields and trees and endless grey sky go past. 

He leapt up as they pulled into the coach station, snatching his suitcase, and walked quickly towards the tube station around the corner, to catch the first train to where Erwin lived in Notting Hill. From there, he ran. Down the streets, past the shops and cafes trim with decorations, round the corners and over the roads. A few flowers were sacrificed along the way but it didn't matter as much now, because the sun was already dipping low in the sky and he just...wanted to see Erwin. See his smile. Maybe that was all he'd ever want again in this world. 

By the time he reached his door he was gasping for breath. He raised his hand to knock, but before he could the door opened and he was enveloped in Erwin’s arms, a fierce hug that lifted him off his feet. 

“I love you, Le,” he said as he placed him back down. Levi stared up at him, feeling dishevelled and ruffled from the hug, but the look on Erwin’s face was enough to make him forget that. 

“Love you too,” he replied quietly, and followed Erwin inside. 

Levi watched as Erwin arranged the flowers so they didn’t look quite so crumpled and sad. Then he glanced over to the tree in the corner, hung with tiny lights and baubles. It was lackluster, he thought, and he sighed. Erwin came and stood next to him. 

“What wrong?” he queried. 

“Your shitty tree,” Levi replied and glanced up at him. “We’ll do a better job of it. Next year.” 


End file.
